By Fraser Perkins —
Can you believe it?! A love letter to Republicans appearing in a Democratic club newsletter! Wow, the Democrats must be asleep, but hey, never let an opportunity elude your grasp.
So, here’s our love letter to Republicans.
Thank you, Republicans, for burning coal.
Thank you for fracking oil to the max.
Thank you for tapping all available gas on federal lands.
Together, yes, let’s make America the fossil fuel powerhouse it’s meant to be, so we are truly número uno in energy production!
Your “damn the torpedoes” approach to fossil fuel development makes our lives (short though they may be) better; way, way better. We appreciate it. And thank you. XOX.
In honor of you, our Republican allies, our society will do the following: In the mountainous west, our pine bark beetle members will relentlessly munch and crunch their way through pine trees and convert them from sickly green to a kaleidoscope of orange, gray and brown. Milder winters and fewer sudden cold snaps mean our numbers skyrocket. Thank you, Republicans, for making this possible. A big smooch to you. Added benefit: dead trees make better fire fuel leading to more forest fire smoke. Yes, a double smooch to Don, Donny junior, Mitch, the house crazies, and the whole gang. Orange is the new green.
In the mid-Atlantic area and New England, our tick members will invade north and attach themselves to all warm blooded creatures like people, dogs, mammals and birds. We’ll spread Lyme Disease, add new problems like alpha-gal syndrome, and maybe even eliminate a few uppity Blue State residents. Milder winters mean we survive in greater numbers, just like our pine bark beetle colleagues out west. Fun Fact – we can take down a moose. No joke! Talk about a David versus Goliath mismatch, this is it! When pesky scientists do necropsies of dead moose, they often find upwards of 100,000 of us on one moose carcass – so do the math. Okay, okay I’ll do the math for you. If one tick sucks one drop of blood, then ergo (betcha didn’t know that arthropods are versed in Latin) 100,000 ticks can suck 100,000 drops of blood. If 15 drops make one milliliter, then 100,000 drops are just under seven liters. And that’s enough to take down one sad, tired, old moose through exsanguination. A big XOX to all Republicans. Rest assured we will not stop until Maine is moose-less.
And now a drrrrrruuuuummmmm roll if you please. I present to you the most lethal animal of all, the mighty mosquito. You probably saw the good news that malaria has resurfaced in Texas and Florida. Yup, that’s from our Mosquito contingent. And more good news, mosquitos not only transmit malaria, but also dengue, encephalitis, West Nile virus, Zika and Yellow Fever. Talk about a bonanza of health problems! We do apologize that mosquito-borne diseases threaten Red States, but c’est la vie (yes, yes mosquitos are fluent not just in Latin, but also French!).
And now a modest suggestion…in the upcoming campaign, avoid talking about climate, extreme weather or any environmental issue — this is Republican Kryptonite. Deny, deflect, delay, distract any action remotely connected to climate mitigation. Focus on the big stuff like Hillary, Bill, Benghazi, Hunter Biden’s misfortunes, and gender affirming care in the military. No, no…avoid military talk. Tommy T’s hijacking of military promotions makes the military Kryptonite for you as well. Dang. Well, you’ll figure it out, you always do. After all you are the experts at diversion, just like a killdeer — you know the bird that flaps predators away from their nest. Except that killdeer are way better looking.
Aside from the environment, improving COVID, foreign affairs, the strengthening economy, and the military, the 2024 campaign shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, Democrats fight to play fair, while Republicans fight to win by any means, both fair and foul.
You have better mojo.
Ta ta for now,
The Society of Ticks, Pine Bark Beetles and Mosquitos.
Or the “STPBM”
Or the “Stepbums”
Or simply, the “Bums”